The Truth of Who I Am

"Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free." -Eckhart Tolle

Ressurection Sunday and I Can’t Get Out of My Tomb

on April 5, 2015

Ugh. Days like this. Mornings that start with a frown in my heart. No matter the smile I tried to paste on in the hopes that it would etch into my heart instead. I don’t like this. I don’t want it. I don’t even want to unpack it for fear it might be too much to deal with in the time that I have for it. I tried hugging and kissing on my daughter and I tried loving on my son, too. Even at almost nine years old, he loves hugs and kisses. I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen that was left…waiting for me, I suppose. I refused to put away the mass-purchased items left on the breakfast table. That’s when I realized the peace I had found in the cuddles and hugs was beginning to dissipate as I realized that people were doing things TO me. The peace was only on the surface. All it would take was a tiny more disturbance. Breathe, Rhina. Deep breath. Smile again.

Kitchen mess cleaned up and moving on to breakfast for the family. Breakfast production is for me to do, after all. Quick check – it’s not Mother’s Day and it’s not my birthday and cereal is not an appropriate option for a Sunday…thus – breakfast production is on me. TO me. And while I’m at it, practicing happy thoughts sweeping the mess into a pile in the corner of my heart, another unnecessary fight erupts out of nowhere with my two kids. Silly, ridiculous stuff. And I lose it and I yell at them and grab the damn light saber that was used as a weapon and chase after one of them with it threatening to use it. I’m pissed off at the mess in my heart and I use the moment to express my anger and annoyance.

They run off and I throw the light saber into the pantry where it continues to flash and moan while I stand there alone in the kitchen and let the moment that just happened sink in upon the frown in my heart. I feel sad and angry and disappointed and worried that I have forever ruined the opportunity for a great relationship with my children. I want to shut everything out, including the light and roll around in the mess in my heart. I want to run out to my son and my daughter and hug them and make it all better. I’m not ready, though. I know I would only make it worse because they’re not ready either.

And it’s Easter Sunday and the kids want to dye eggs but it’s not my thing. I used markers where I grew up. I’m not too particular about carrying on this tradition of celebrating the spring equinox and new life and fertility – yes, also known as Resurrection Sunday for Christians. I loved my childhood days of celebrating Easter and searching for the hidden eggs. We never talked about an Easter rabbit or bunny. So maybe it would be nice to carry on the celebration tradition with my kids.

But I’m not feeling peace in my heart and I feel like I’m stuck in my tomb of dissatisfaction. I want to get out and I can’t. And I know it’s up to me. I know that only I can make it better. Unlike the time when I was six and fell down at school and didn’t get up until my eldest brother came and picked me up, I have to pick myself up. I need to pick myself up. I have to claim a different day. It’s Resurrection Sunday. Of all days in the year, this should be the day that I walk out into the light and peace and a beautiful day. I can leave the box of mess in the tomb and move on. I’m beginning to believe less in the unpacking of mess when it can just be buried instead. Life is too short to not be lived. Life. New life is always available to me. Getting out of the tomb is always an option for me. Resurrection.

You got me, Jesus. Good message. I’m getting out now. I’m going to have a beautiful day. I’m going to look and look and look until I find my Easter eggs and the promise of new life. I am going to look for what’s beautiful in every moment of this day. I can do this. I already know what’s beautiful in my life. I just need to keep my eyes and my heart focused on the beauty and not the mess.

As I end this…I can hear my two upstairs singing a made up chant with the words, “We’re sister and brother, we’re sister and brother, we work together, we’re sister and brother…” And they’re stomping and laughing and as close as ever. Beautiful.

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Truthfully yours,

Rhina

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3 responses to “Ressurection Sunday and I Can’t Get Out of My Tomb

  1. Nancy Fernandes says:

    Hi there my Sista….it was a rough real day….

  2. Kim Archung says:

    My Dearest Chica…I have been vibing on you today… a lot lately really…but today in particular… I am feeling you. I hope to catch up with you for a good chat this week, but in the mean time I just wanted to remind you of how awesome you are! I loved this post in and for so many ways/reasons… I love David and Kaya…getting the
    message even through their little sibling spats… “we are sister and brother …we work together…we are sister and brother…” In their innocence they get it big time! …”Let Go and Let God/dess”… They may not know it but they got it…what we can learn from our little people… But You my dear are awesomely aware and introspective….So here’s to you and resurrecting from any tomb…love you much…Kim

  3. Nefertiti says:

    Love it Rhina!!

    Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE DROID

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