The Truth of Who I Am

"Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free." -Eckhart Tolle

Easy Like Sunday Morning

on December 1, 2013

Or not.I’m a little conflicted about who and how I am on Sunday mornings. Seems like for the past several weeks I’ve been waking up very early (for a Sunday morning), throwing on WORKOUT clothes, and heading to Stone Mountain for a 2 or 5.6 mile walk with a friend. The invigorating walk then leads me to energetically prepare a great Sunday breakfast for the family and we enjoy those Facebook-status-worthy family moments in which Brian and I proudly notice what we have created and I feel a hint of Bridget Jones’ smug marriedness and ignore it for a bit while savoring the smugness of it all.

Then. THEN I look up at the time and realize there are not enough minutes left for me to get myself showered and all of us dressed in time to make it to our Sunday Morning Place – still not sure if I attend a church or center or what. Inevitably, a very unSunday side of me rears its very ugly head and I hear myself speaking in loud crazed-mama tones at my kids while they appear to be indifferent or, possibly just exercising their right to selective hearing, which OF COURSE takes me to a really crazy crazed-mama tone. The rant lasts for approximately all of the 21 minutes until we are in the car and pulling out of the garage.

Then I realize once again, as in EVERY WEEK, that none of the last 21 minutes is in line with ANY of the spiritual teaching and learning that I believe in. I also consider that since I have sunk so low, whatever I would get out of the Sunday talk would only serve to bring me back to where I was prior to the 21 minutes of crazy. The truth, I realize is that those 21 minutes were my opportunity to practice spiritual integrity and I just failed it all the way. Not even a D+ but an F. Failed. And the Sunday talk just brings me full circle to where I was at the end of last week’s talk. That’s a truth of who I am. I lose it on Sunday mornings at the worst possible time of day – right before I enter into spiritual restoration.

I then spend the entire drive to my Sunday Morning Place apologizing for my response to their indifference/selective hearing and trying to problem-solve with them. I’m sorry I got so angry but I wish you had responded to my calm and loving requests. I was wrong to yell at you and get so impatient, but can you think of what you could also have done better to help the family? Clearly Mommy needs to take care of herself better to be more patient. I’m sorry. I’m sure I made you feel so bad when I yelled at you and rushed you to take a shower and get dressed so quickly. I’ll do better next time. I love you two so much.

I know, I know, there are so many ways to parent and many of them go out the window when guilt is laid out on the table. Right after a crazed-mama episode is not my best time for remembering some of those great parenting tips. At that point I’m just confused and guilty and frustrated that I have still not figured out how to get the zen parenting right and my mind is, instead, extremely puzzled at the way in which an adorable five year-old and a delicious seven year-old could possible evoke such a reaction out of me. I mean – I KNOW, and many Facebook friends and also family members tell me, that these two kids are quite special. They are. Oh how clearly I know of their specialness! They are the heartbeat of my little world. And they are also two very important teachers in my life.

I started writing the post above a couple of weeks ago and this Sunday morning was not much different even after a beautiful week of thankfulness with extended family. Today, however, my Sunday Morning Place turned up the joy in me through an incredible voice that was no less than a gift of love as she sang a message that reminded me of the value of the mountains we are offered to climb. She sang the words:

For every mountain You brought me over
For every trial you’ve seen me through
For every blessing
Hallelujah, for this I give You praise.

As she sang the words in a voice that touched the inside of my heart, I closed my eyes and pictured the times in my life when I cried because of a broken heart or stayed up nights worrying about the outcome of a situation or questioned a painful response or struggled to forgive an act of disloyalty or prayed in anguish out of hopelessness, or wept at the loss of a loved one or sank into regret over something I could never redo. I realized that all those mountains I had to climb were gifts. They were blessings, and had I not accepted them, I would not have become this person that I am today. I got better at seeing myself as a human spirit and I got better at seeing others’ beautiful Divine selves through all of their hard stuff. I felt pure joy in the realization that mountains are gifts and it has to become my practice to say “thank you” whenever I am offered mountains, valleys, sandy beaches or smooth-sailing rivers. This journey is my life and my spirit is constantly moving to higher ground.

I am moving to higher ground. EVEN when there are only 21 minutes left to get us all dressed and in the car. Even when I am in my state of unSunday morning and not-so-easy, I’m still on my journey and I have a choice in every moment. The truth is I am not writing this post believing that I will always choose joy and thankfulness from here on out (who would I be kidding?!), but I am writing this post knowing that I do have a choice and whatever I choose still manages to take me higher if I just show up and acknowledge the gift at some point. I may not be easy like Sunday morning, but I could choose to spend the rest of the day restoring my spirit and finding joy and gratitude in the gifts I have been given.

And, hopefully, I will begin my work week with a mindful Monday rather than a manic Monday. Go ahead click on the link and listen and enjoy – you know you want to.

Truthfully yours,

Rhina

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9 responses to “Easy Like Sunday Morning

  1. Easy like Sunday morning. I love it. And I love the moments that we need to step back and recognize that those mountains we climb and cliffs we dangle from and slopes we think are endless are what makes us take in those “easy like Sunday morning” feelings and see beautiful – in ourselves and our little world and in others and the great big world. You’re so right. It’s a choice. Remembering that is…”key.” ;D Thank you so much for the reminder.

  2. jody e says:

    “…say ‘thank you’ whenever I am offered mountains…” – this may have changed something big for me tonight. thank you for writing this post!

  3. Kim Archung says:

    Sorry Rhina…that last reply was from me…didn’t mean for it to post as “Anonymous”!

  4. Anonymous says:

    I just love you girl! Every one of your truthful posts brings me closer to the “Truth of Who I am” and I have to say it’s easy as Sunday morning to admire you! Such an inspiration and such a powerful woman I learn so much from and want to be like…

  5. Yes, Life is a Sunday morning and I am sad to report that not having that beautiful family to ready does not make it easier or faster. I looked up from a great meaningful discussion with colleagues this Sunday morning only to realize I had 7 (Yes , the number before 8 and after 6) minutes to leave my house if I had any hope of being on time to my place of worship. (How does this happen?) But the lights were merciful and the people I had to pick up were fast enough and the service started a few minutes late and, on and on but the most important thing is that I made it and you made it and your family made it and we were all able to continue the ongoing search for truth and grace that is this thing we call life. Keep writing. It’s inspiring.

    • justrhina says:

      Syrita,
      Ha! That made me laugh. You’re right, all of our lives are an ongoing search for truth and grace. Thanks for reading and for your encouragement to keep writing. 🙂

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